Unfriend

Well, After a week of sickness, I now have room in my head for a thought or two (although it still feels like my body is still trying to get my lungs to the outside)

One thing that has happened is that quite a bit in the past week is Facebook unfriending and blocking. Has that ever happened to you? Where someone gets there panties in a twist about something- usually imaginary- and they unfriend, or in extreme circumstances, block you.

Here is what I think about this. Unfriending someone says that you fully and completely give up on any type of relationship with the unfriended. Usually this action is done at the height of a moment, and in my experience is the end result of a temper-tantrum. It's saying that "if you're not going to give me what we want, then I'm not going to be your friend." In other words they want the friendship to be on their terms and their terms alone.

Blocking now can go two ways. When someone unfriends you and then blocks you, well it's just a heightened moment from before. And most likely in their mind, they use it as a method for you to come begging back to them. If they block you on facebook, you have to call them, you have to beg them to be your friend again, and that's exactly what they want, the control of the relationship back. The other situation for blocking, other than to get rid of crazy stalkers and creep-o's of that nature, is to keep the control of the relationship. I have blocked someone who went through the before mentioned unfriending, and I have another friend that did the same thing, and this is why: So they have to verbalize their apology. Both of the people that we blocked have bi-polar emotions. They are your friend one minute, and not the next, not speaking, then chatting your ear off as though nothing happened. And should you do nothing, they would, when it suits them, click the "let's be friends" button and try to waltz back into your life without a second thought to what they did to your emotions. Because it's all about them.

Now I know some of you are reading this thinking, that's not true, I'm not like that, and maybe your right. But really think, and really put yourself in the other persons shoes, and answer honestly. Make sure your motivations are pure before you start a handful of drama in life. Make sure you've really been a friend, and that you haven't expected of the other person more than you were willing to give, or that they were able to give. We are all broken people, and to expect others to hold your broken pieces together is something that will never happen; their too busy trying to hold their own pieces together.

You see this is the biggest problem with the married and single thinking of life, because single people discount anything that has to do with marriage in the bible because it doesn't apply. And that's not true because we all have relationships. And just as if God is not the number one of your marriage it's doomed to fail, If God is not the first and foremost of your life, then you will look to people to fill that place, something they can not do, and one after another, your friendships will fail, your trust in your parents, even your confidence in yourself will be gone. God needs to be number one, no matter what relationships are in your life.

And it may be too late to salvage that friendship. That's alright. Forgive them, ask for forgiveness, move on, and learn from this experience. Because that's life.

I'm sick.

No really, I am getting sick, and this is the worst when you're living on your own, because you still have to do everything yourself. People weren't kidding when they told me to revel in my childhood: definite perks.

Right now my ears are ringing, my eyes are watering, I should be in bed at this moment in time, but my body doesn't like to sleep before midnight, so I'm sitting here typing into my computer this statement: I hope that when I get married, My husband wants to take care of me.

I know, I know, you probably thought someone writing a blog like mine would be a crazy liberal feminist that never wants to get married and would like to castrate every man that walks by. But it's true, I say statement's like that on occasion. And this is good. To verbally say what you hope your future spouse will be only helps to build your list in your head, so that when it comes time to figure out if someone is a keeper or not, the list is carved into your sub-conscious.

Not to mention, it's good to hope for the future. I know a lot of singles that are terrified that God as cursed them to life long singleness, but I figure I'll cross that bridge if I come to it. I'd rather spend my daydreams on a future husband, than a the terror of forever aloneness. So verbalize your list from time to time, Hope in the future, and live you life, unless your sick like me- then go to bed.

Don't have free time.

I think one of the biggest misconceptions of the world is thinking that Singles are free and available at the drop of the hat because, well, they can't have anything better to do, they're single. But really it's the opposite. We don't have anyone to plan around, worry about, afford. All the reasons that families can't get up and do things, singles typically don't have those problems, so why wouldn't we jump to it and live life.

And maybe you're looking at this and saying "I am available at the drop of the hat," well stop it. You need to get up and live life, or you'll have regret follow you when you're married with kids, wondering why you never did "such and such." Now is the time to live without question. If you need help with ideas, read some things on my life is average. Contrary to what the title says, there are some random moments people have that can help you to start realizing to live life. Make a list of goals you have for life, and start working on them. If you ever hear yourself say "someday" make today "someday." Get up and do it: live a life of no regret.

He's just not that into....

What a great movie. There are, as with most movies this day and age, parts of the movie I don't agree with, but the principles still stand. If he's not acting like he likes you, he doesn't like you, and the same goes for girls, If she doesn't act like she likes you, then she doesn't like you. The important catch in the arguments we feed ourselves to the contrary is that nice does not equal like.

This is the one that seems to plague the Christian circles more than any other. The difference between Christians and everyone else, is that Christians feel like they have to be nice to everyone, so even when we want to yell "get away from me creep-o" we still have to treat you with "brotherly kindness." On the other hand non-Christians can treat you exactly how they feel about you, because they know they probably won't run into you again, Christians see each other at least once a week. So for all these complications, the over whelming one in singles group arises- If they're nice they must like me. And then unnecessary feelings arise leaving you to send someone's heart on the express train to the earth's core as the only way to truly tell them that you're not interested. Which leaves both of you feeling bad, and in an awkward place.

So what's the solution. The biggest clue is that if someone is not trying to start conversations outside of natural church settings aka. Facebook, text, or phone messages- then they aren't interested, they're just nice. And when in doubt, put your big girl/boy underwear on and ask them- and except whatever they say as the honest truth. And the truth is, unless they say yes, then it's a no. Which means, "I'm dating Jesus," "I need to grow spiritually," or any other Christian side steps, are just nice ways to say, "I'm just not that into you...."

A Valentine's Day to Remember

It is expected that if you are single on Valentine's Day you are bitter and depressed. This is ludicrous. Why does that day automatically equate to those feelings. I usually just forget completely that valentines day exists. And when I do notice that there is love in the air, I'm glad, because that means that there are people that still have healthy relationships. This shouldn't be a day to morn what we don't have, but to hope for what we want to some day receive from God. If you get down to the bones of the matter, that's what Valentine's day is truly celebrating, The best thing in your life from God. For couples it's the love that they have with each other, for singles it may be something different.

Now you may be wondering about my logic here, but think of it like Christmas. Valentine's day has been overly commercialized, turning it into something we are obligated into with manipulated emotions, rather than something to celebrate. Why not take back Valentine's day and Celebrate the relationships that are most meaningful to you, even if you are single. That's what I successfully did today. I went with my single girlfriends to a photo studio, matching outfits of course, and took barefoot family pictures with them. Because my focus was not on what I lacked this Valentines day, but rejoicing in the fact that I have a wonderful support group in my friends, so much so, I didn't have time to be bitter, cynical, or angry toward anyone in a relationship: I was too busy enjoying my relationships.

So if you did spend today with a pint of rocky and a box of chocolates you purchased yourself, as you quoted the lines to Casablanca crying over lost love. Pause for a moment and think if that was truly necessary, or could you have been out with friends on a Valentine's day to remember.

The Perks

Sometimes it is hard to be single. Sometimes it’s glorious. Because I’ve been single for nearly 25 years, I’ve been able to do the following:

Live on both sides of the country.

1. Travel when ever I want including but not exclusively to Germany, Vegas, Florida, D.C, and Iowa.
2. I can stay out as late as I want
3. I can keep my house in any state that I can tolerate
4. I can make last minute plans, even if those plans are to do nothing
5. I can buy whatever I feel I can afford, no one else has a say in my finances
6. Whatever else I want….

Being single may be a bummer sometimes, but being married has it’s downfalls as well. It’s just about reveling in the positives of life. So for now I’m going to thoroughly enjoy my life, and when it’s time, I move on to the positives of the next stage of life, but no since getting ahead of ourselves. Live for the moment.

Sometimes it's just tough....

Sometimes it's just hard being single. Whether you throughlly enjoy it and plan to stay so for the rest of your life, or you feel that life is passing you by in you pit of lonly misery, being single is tough. You get ambushed on a regular basis as to whether there is a significant other in your life, or what you think you'll do if you're 30, 40, or 50 and still single. You get passed over on group outings because the married people feel akward around you and sometimes it's a struggle to find singles in your area that aren't looking for baby mama's or daddy's.

So here's a scripture that usually helps to remind me that it's ok to tell God how miserable you might be or how difficult life is. And it also reminds me that God is there- every difficult step of the way.

Psalm 43

¹ Vindicate me, O God,
and plead my cause against an ungodly nation;
rescue me from deceitful and wicked men.

² You are God my stronghold.
Why have you rejected me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?

³ Send forth your light and your truth,
let them guide me;
let them bring me to your holy mountain,
to the place where you dwell.

⁴ Then will I go to the altar of God,
to God, my joy and my delight.
I will praise you with the harp,
O God, my God.

⁵ Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

Haunted.

Have you ever been haunted? Right now, that is my life. I have a single name that turns up every time I swear to be done with it. And it's not really the name, it's the person in ownership of this name that I swear to be done with, and as far as I know, this person has no clue I exist. So it feels more like God that throws this name back at me every day of my life. And that's just it, I don't really think it's God, Or maybe it is. I don't know, but I do know that if God is the one behind this seemingly crewel moment of name stalking, that there must be something I can learn from it, that is after all why things happen in life, so we can learn from them and become a better person. So what am I supposed to learn from the permanent poltergeist?

Perhaps that God is in control of everything, but control does not give meaning. Just because God knows everything that happens, and can control everything in our world, does not mean that every detail we interact with has a specific meaning for my life. To interpret our world like this leaves out one thing. Free-will. Although, I struggle with this thought, because God does decide who comes in and out of our lives, that is after all why he picked this exact moment in time to place us on the earth. So God has chosen that probably 50 percent of the people that have entered my life lately should have the same name, not to mention other subtle drops from time to time in movies, music, and life in general.

So where does this leave me?

What I tell myself is that he's not ready. If God is really sending me signs that this is the perfect person for me in all of humanity, then he must not be ready, and God is just keeping me hung up on this person so that I don't go out and do anything stupid with someone less worthy. And if this is false, then my other conclusion is that God is keeping me distracted while the right person sneaks up on me, because the truth is I don't play nice very when I know someone likes me, I usually shut them off and make them play hard to get, only they don't know that's what's going on.

Of course there is a third possibility, that I won't have any clue why all of this is happening till much later in life. I'm thinking this is probably what it is, because I doubt I can really figure out God and his intentions.

Man I'm paranoid.

Be a Fortune Telling Flop.

Have you ever said the following: "If I just knew _____ Then it wouldn't be so bad, I would be alright."? Yeah, I think everyone at one point in their singleness has said this. I've filled in the blank with just about everything: how much longer, who it was, what he looks like, etc. The only thing is that as I reflect, would it really be better? Would my life really feel more complete if I knew any, all, or part of the things I've requested. Probably not. If I find out who it is, all that would happen is that I would waste my life away waiting for them, or moaning the fact that we know each other, but he isn't ready for a relationship. Or if I Knew how much longer, I would just feel crazy waiting for the final tick of the clock to bring him to me, or if I knew what he looks like, it would be a perpetual game of wear's Waldo, trying to find him every where that I go. Yeah, none of these seem like a better alternative.

Nope, it's definitely better this way. Yep God has the right idea, it's better to be in torment of not knowing, than the lost life that results from knowing. Not to mention, mystery and romance go hand in hand, so if you ever expect that in life, don't expect to know the future. And then there is the fact that it just makes you trust God, which always strengthens that relationship. And when you have a strong relationship with God it makes every other relationship better.

So yep, I'm glad I'm a fortune telling flop, it makes life more simple.

Ministry: the ultimate background check.

When you are single and in ministry (whether a highly involved volunteer, a lay minister, or paid staff) this is the ultimate background check. These two things make you a lifetime member of the fishbowl feeding frenzy. Because you are in ministry, they think they know who you are, but what they see is the facade of who people expect you to be. Now I'm not saying that in ministry we are two faced, but what I am saying is that people expect us to be more perfect than the rest of humanity, when in reality we are human. So when you add this on top of the fact you are single, it because licence for other singles to look at you and super impose their idea of perfect onto your image, when in reality, you are someone completely different. Another down side to this is that as a minister, you are a people person and thus enjoyable to be around (for the most part) other wise you wouldn't succeed in ministry. When you are enjoyable to be around, and all together nice, it you deal with the "nice guy syndrome," where people misinterpret niceness for flirting or mutual attraction.

So why am I talking about all of this? I'm warning both sides of the field to guard their heart. Make sure that attraction is not based on the superficial, but a mutual understanding of God's purpose in your life. You should have the same understanding of life, God, your faith, and in general-common interests. And when I say you should have, this doesn't mean looking at what the person you are attracted to believes in all these area's and say, "I could do that," or "Yeah I kind of believe that," or "have no opinion in general" and by default take on theirs. Do not allow yourself to become a runaway bride (this is prevented by making a list and checking it twice...).

Ultimate background checks are not what they appear to be. We are all human, we all have mistakes, and we are all our own individual. To not superimpose you understanding of Jesus onto a human, you're bound to get your heart broken.

Someone better....

I think the only thing harder than a breakup is when there is no break-up. What does she mean you ask? Let me explain I say.

Break-ups are hard. I've never had one, but I've had close friends that have gone through them, and I've emotionally gone through what I imagine a break-up might be like and from these two things I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, Break-ups are hard.

However~

When there is no break-up, that's hard too. What I mean by this, is when you know that there is mutual affection on both sides, that you enjoy them, they enjoy you, and then nothing happens; that I would list as the second worst. There is no closure in this moment; which leaves you to keep wondering if maybe, just maybe, they may walk into the room, show up unexpectedly, send you a random email, post, message, etc. You keep racking you're brain trying to figure out if you may have read the signs wrong, or if they gave the wrong signs. And slowly, they become a phantom floating in the background of you life, mind, heart. And what's more, you feel like you're going a little crazy, because you never had a relationship to get over, so you shouldn't be having these problems. And so you are left to silently suffer over a love that never was. Yep, this one is somewhere around the break-up and unrequited love section of emotional horror.

My words of comfort for you in moments like these is this: If it's not them, God has someone better.

Make a list, check it twice....

One of the most important thing a single person can do is make a list of what they want in a spouse, and then give it to someone they trust. Make it into two columns: Must have, and nice but not a must. Then when you are in a moment of desperate, you can see what you thought about the opposite sex when you were in your right mind (or left depending on what hand you write with), and hopefully not wind up in a relationship that you wind up regretting. The other important part is making sure there is someone that will tell you your wrong when you try to start trying to fight a square peg into a round whole. It's amazing how you can convince yourself that something so wrong for you is so right when you can't see another option. The list reminds you of what you really need, and not only that, but helps you to look at yourself and examine who you are, which can be scary, but it is a necessary part of life.

Examples you say? Here's a look at some of my list:

Must: no smoking, drinking, and approved by family and friends, likes to have fun, and quirky in their own way (and according to my mother- debt free)

Nice but not necessary: A couple years older, well traveled, taller, athletic, musical

That's my short list. What's on your list?

Balance your crazy....

This is what I was trying to do yesterday, and as I'm still trying to get used to a constant blog, yesterday's thoughts remained unspoken.

Sometimes that's a good thing though. Crazy will plague you're existence. It's a side effect of sin and the human nature. I'm sure that if the bible had every word that God ever spoken, crazy would have shown up in the curse on mankind in Genesis 3. Ok, maybe that's a little extreme, but what ever you call it, crazy, drama, high school, ect. it's still part of life, and sometimes it would seem a little more with the single life.

Once you're married, you only have to deal with you're family's crazy (including spouse and in-laws) And for some that's more than others. But singles seem to get a whole world of uncontrolled crazy. With marriage you know the bubble, you have a definition: husband, wife, parents, children, in-laws, etc. Singles often deal with the unspoken tension of crazy. The "he-know's-I-know-but-neither-of-us-will-say-anything" kind of tension and you go on with this unspoken crazy unsure of how to change it. And there isn't anything that can be done, except balance the crazy. For every chaotically tense crazy moment in your world, have an equally chaotic crazy moment of giggling with close friends. For every tear you shed over the drama of someone not returning your feelings, have tears of joy. Remember It's never wrong to feel, it's just wrong to let yourself become so consumed by one emotion that you forget the others exist. Cry out to God asking why. He'll answer, you just have to be willing to wait on all the crazy between the question and the answer. The "and" can be a very long wait. But just remember to balance the crazy, it will do you a world of good.